I am not sure if it is because they practice being and active part of their religious community on a weekly basis. I have generally found that people who base their life in religious belief do tend to be more involved in the local community even when they worship outside their local area. Kids, well for anyone that has them this one should be reasonably self explanatory but both children themselves and the activities that go along with them mean you meet a lot of people at a similar stage of life. People that are having deal with many of the same types experiences and stresses as yourself so finding common ground to relate from is often a little easier.
Well I don't have either as a part of my life so I had to go looking harder to get a foothold. What I found is that those footholds tend to be pretty few and far between. In the end I at least found a way to meet similarly minded people in my local area in the form of my local Permaculture group. It took quite a while to find them and even longer to actually get the information to make a meeting but after attending 9 months worth of enjoyable meetings I hadn't achieved anything toward creating more local connections. I had some great small talk and learned a heap of new things but when it all came down to it I needed to know how to make friends.. and well I didn't have the skills.
Now I don't believe I am a particularly objectionable person so I was a little disappointed that I hadn't unearthed even one person who saw me as someone they might just like to get to know a bit better. I didn't take it personally because I am sure it wasn't personal, it seemed to me it was simply that everyone was busy. They had enough connections and they didn't really need more. Unless I was going to be a whole lot more socially forward than I am comfortable with I needed to find another way.
In the end I came to the conclusion that I couldn't force this, so rather than try and make friends would to volunteer to do things. I don't have to sell myself, I just have to put my hand up and admit I have time to contribute then do what I offered to do. This gives me a way to contribute to my community and get to know some of the people in it a bit better by working toward a common goal by their side. I have no great expectations that all this will result in the connections I am eventually hoping for, I find the work rewarding in it's own right or there would be no point in doing it. If I get the opportunity to touch a like spirit I want to be out there and available to be found.
12 comments:
Relatives of mine have found (what with not having kids and the playgroup/school connections that come with it) joining lots of groups, and volunteering are good ways of meeting lots of locals. My uncle plays bowls, my aunt doesn't, but she does have great lobbying skills, so she's the secretary of the bowls club and has been working toward getting funding and support for their clubhouse (the old one was destroyed by fire, it's been an epic saga, but the new club is nearly done). She's also joined the local history group, the residents association, attended the annual women's dinner, and been to the occasional sustainability street meeting. Making friends in a new area is slow, depending on how many other new people there are in the same area (who are also looking for new friends) it can take years to really settle in.
Hi InnerCityGarden,
Glad to hear that the approach I have taken is likely to help, it can get a little disheartening at times.
I am very lucky from the point of view that I do have the time to be able to do all these things and be deeply involved. There are certainly people who are in charge of these groups that are pleading for all the help they can get.
Kind Regard
Belinda
I know what you mean Belinda, I think as we have gotten older, DH's and I's circle of friends has shrunk to quite a small but close-knit circle. I'm certainly guilty of not extending the hand of friendship further than I could have for the reasons you state - just keeping up with our existing circle is a conscious effort when we are all so busy with our day-to-day goings on. As I write I'm guilty of not yet having arranged a meeting between a few local simple living bloggers, so you've given me a metaphorical kick in the butt!
And I agree with Kate, volunteering is a great way to get out there and form new community connections. Good luck :-)
Thanks Julie,
Since I started out as a small but close-knit circle of friends type the natural attrition that seems to happen over the years as people move and life situations change certainly has taken it's toll. It of course that we have only been here a couple of years.
Hope your meeting is a feast of talking and smiles. Good Luck to you too :-)
Kind Regards
Belinda
I was talking to my husband the othere day about this same thing, how it is harder to make friends and connect with kindred spirits as you get older and all the 'meeting new people' opportunities start drying up ( school committees, kid activites, etc). I don't think you are alone in this situation. I joined a local tennis comp a year or so ago, and have made some new friends through this, who we are quite social with away from tennis which is nice.
I agree it is hard to make the jump from 'friendly acquaitance'to 'social friend', but I think you are doing all the right things, so good luck!! ( PS. I had the same problem at a permaculture group I joined when we first moved to this town, 11 years ago, I didn't make any great friends through our group ,they were all nice enough , but as you say, it was more small talk than really get to know you stuff. I am sad to say I didn't persevere with this group.) I am involved with a local community garden and am finding this a good way to connect with some new people, they are generally alot older than me, but have lots of interesting things to talk about and knowledge to pass on.
Sorry for the long comment, I better stop now!
Regards Julie
Most of us are just so busy, even those of us who are trying to simplify, it's ridiculous really. Sometimes all you need is one close friend and then everything snowballs from there. It takes time though, we moved to Australia 10 years ago and it took at least two years for us to settle in. Have patience, I'm sure you will make great friends soon.
Hi Belinda,
we have moved a number of times and each time you need to settle in and make new friends. I've found one way is to volunteer in a local community group. You then meet local people with similar interests as you.You'll be doing good and becoming a part of the community. Another bonus - volunteers live longer and are healthier and happier than non volunteers!
Its hard to make friends these days, people are wrapped up in their own lives. Many of us don't even know the people we live next door to.
Good luck and I'm sure it will all work out.
Lynda
belinda, from my pov you're doing great. it is always hard to find kindred spirits.
i had an interesting conversation the other day about belonging. the person i was talking to had a wonderful insight. they were saying that the level to which they feel belonging with another person is the level to which they open themselves up and let others in. i was stunned by what a good theory that is. when i open up, make myself vulnerable, show others who i am, tell my stories, talk about the things that are important to me rather than small talk, i create belonging with the person/people i speak with. it is not the other way around - my sense of belonging doesn't come from how much others let me in. i am empowered in choosing the level to which i create connection. i'm still considering all the implications of that.
the amount of energy you put in to your community is wonderful. i've also found the same things others have said - in volunteering, in providing service to the community, i create contacts and connection. seems to me you're going about things really well.
Hi Maia,
I have to say it is an interesting theory.. in some ways though I have to say I don't really agree.
Just because you open a door doesn't mean someone else is going to walk through. Generally I find that people only want to know so much. They really don't want the responsibility of knowing more if they are not interested in cultivating a relationship.
On various occasions I have suggested catching up with people in the local area only to have the invitation totally ignored and the original topic of conversation continued. I don't take these occasions as personal rejections.. simply just disinterest in anything more than the current conversation.
Maybe I should push harder and reveal more.. but I at least need to feel that the other side is interested and mostly that isn't the case.
Kind Regards
Belinda
i agree with you that connection is a two-way street. i have also found that online communities aren't always interested in any more connection than they have. otoh, i think starting connection is the way to go about it.
I can empathize with you, Belinda, as I have trouble making close friends despite being very outgoing. I know people at my CSA, where I have volunteered for years, that are happy to see me and chat, but that would think to contact me for a social engagement outside that venue. When I did finally get invited to one of the popular parties held each year, we didn't feel like we fit in because so many people were more interested in filling their beer glass (with home-brewed) than getting to know us. As folks who rarely drink, that's just one more strike against us.
We'll be moving this summer, hopefully, and I will be exploring every possible angle to integrate into the new community - probably through volunteer work. Hopefully you and I will both find what we're looking for!
Hi Chile,
I am sure we will both find it because we are hard headed, motivated and willing to try hard to get what we want. We have both been learning to live with less and there are an awful lot of people that will need to know how to do that sooner rather than later.
Kind Regards
Belinda
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